Unplugged and Dangerous
by heavens to bikini kill
Summary: Whuuut? A sequel to "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins"? Who'dve thunk it? Tyler is (gasp!) unplugged. I feel sorry for Zion. And the Matrix.
1. Coppertop Nation

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter One: Coppertop Nation  
  
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"Consider this an invitation, to my coppertop nation."  
  
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Tyler was the biggest fan of South Park, normally. And it was just a year ago when Tyler used to sing "Blame Canada" at the top of his lungs with two or three beers in his stomach. Every American he knew loved to make fun of the Canadians, actually.   
  
Maybe it was because they were just jealous. Yeah, that sounded about accurate, because Canada was like a colder version of Hawaii, only happier and more clothing.   
  
Canada had order. Canada didn't have nearly as much crime as the States. Canada had much nicer things to report on the six o clock news. Canada had more jobs available. Canada had more opportunities for Tyler to use his MBA usefully. And most importantly, Canada DID NOT have an insane Merovingian with a ruthless army of vampires, werewolves, and albino ghosts who destroyed your car and didn't bother to pay you back.   
  
It had taken Tyler a while to get settled in Canada, and he had to call up his aunt to get all of his stuff out to his current location. He, for once, told her the plain and simple truth of why he wasn't going back to the States for the rest of eternity, and she laughed directly in his ear. So what if she thought he had gone nuts? She was a very useful person to have around, and she shipped his stuff out rather quickly.  
  
What's more, Tyler had found a very useful replacement for his now ex-girlfriend. No, he didn't get married. He invested in a rather attractive blow-up doll.   
  
Yes, life was finally treating Tyler well again. He was away from his crazy ex-girlfriend, living in a nice apartment, safe from the Merovingian...  
  
At that precise moment, the front door opened. Tyler leapt up from his chair, grabbed his baseball bat, and crouched behind the kitchen counter. He had never heard of someone breaking and entering in his new neighborhood, but he was prepared.   
  
He heard footsteps making their way into his home. "On the count of three," he whispered to himself as the two pairs of feet mere making their way towards his kitchen. "One...two...three!" He jumped from his hiding place, swinging his bat in the air. "HAI-YAAAA -- Cain? Abel?"  
  
The said werewolves already had guns out, but they quickly put them away in recognition of Tyler. "Tyler! We knew you'd be here."  
  
Tyler dropped his bat and his jaw in shock. "You KNEW? You're supposed to be in the States, working for that Merovingian guy!"  
  
Cain shrugged. "We still are."  
  
Tyler gulped audibly. "So...he found me?"  
  
Abel nodded. "Yeah. You're not that hard to find. All we really had to do was track your credit card."  
  
"And check your status in Canada to make sure you didn't change your name or anything."   
  
Tyler sank gradually into his very nice carpet. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit..."  
  
Abel rolled his eyes, and nudged Cain. "We're not here to KILL you."  
  
Tyler snorted despite himself. "Oh, THAT'S relieving."  
  
Cain snorted in contempt. "We are here to take you with us."   
  
Tyler glared at him. "If you think I'm going back to that Merovingian guy, you must be smoking crack. He tried to fucking KILL me."  
  
Abel conceded to that point. "True."  
  
"What does he want me for, anyway?"  
  
"He thinks you're funny."  
  
"Oh, so he wants a clown, now?" Tyler snarled.   
  
"Think of it as being his...royal jester." Cain smirked as Abel tried to gloss things over.  
  
"Forget it." He kicked his brand-new Desert Eagle out from under his couch, and in a shocking display of reflexes, kicked the gun up to his hand.   
  
Abel rolled his eyes. "I really didn't want to do this..." He began to morph into his wolf form, and Cain followed suit. They stepped slowly towards Tyler.   
  
Tyler growled. "Do you think I didn't learn anything from my stay at the Merovingian's?"  
  
Cain was still able to talk, as he was only halfway through the transforming process. "What's that supposed to mean? You packing silver or something?"  
  
"Would you like to find out?"  
  
"That's cold, man," Abel whined. "What happened to those nights when we'd watch Frankenstein movies together?"  
  
"They stopped when you told me that Friday sucked."   
  
The shorter wolf paused. "Oh. Well, shit." He smacked the gun out of Tyler's hands before he could even pull the trigger. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you."  
  
Tyler soon saw black, and before he hit the floor, he thought, "I now hate Canada."  
  
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I am so shameless, trying to capitalize off of the success of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Eh, whatev. This'll be funnier later, folks. And no, he's not going back to the Merovingian. I just need to get him out of his home. 


	2. Essaywhuman?

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Two: Essaywhuman??!!??  
  
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"Cuz I'm the B-b-b-b-b-Black Thought! I'd like to t-t-t-t-t-take a shot!" -Black Thought, The Roots, "Essaywhuman??!!??"  
  
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Tyler woke up in a rather nice E Class Benz on his way to the airport. His hands were bound, his feet bound together, and he found himself in a quite uncomfortable position for such a long drive. Luckily for him and our amusement, his mouth was not gagged in any such way. He chose to talk.   
  
"Er...Cain?" He spoke to the driver. "Is there any way I can call my boss or something? It'll be a pretty bad blemish to not show up to work today without any sort of explanation..."  
  
Cain smacked Tyler upside the head without taking his eyes of the road. "Shut up. You're coming back to the chateau."   
  
Tyler's eyes reached the size of beach balls as he ascertained the situation. "So you guys weren't kidding when you said that I was going to go back to the Merovingian?"   
  
Abel sighed and rolled his eyes. "No. We weren't."  
  
"Oh." Tyler paused as he allowed the information to sink back in. He came to the conclusion that royal jester or not, the Merovingian still probably hated him for (not really) messing around with his wife. "Essaywhuman??!!??"   
  
Abel turned to Tyler from the passenger side of the car and peered at him carefully over his glasses. "What did you just say?" he asked in a mix of wonder and slight amusement.  
  
"Oh, 'essaywhuman??!!??'? It's sort of a mix of phrases."  
  
"Really? Break it down for me."  
  
Cain growled. "I don't need your stupid little conversations today, Abel..."  
  
"I need something to do, brother. Back the fuck off." Abel turned his attention back to Tyler. "Break it down, now."  
  
Tyler obeyed. "Well, first you start off with 'is'."  
  
"Is." Abel repeated, ignoring Cain's growing irritation.  
  
"Then 'say'."  
  
"Say."  
  
"Whut."  
  
"Whut?"  
  
"It's the black way of saying it, play along here."  
  
"Okay...whut."  
  
"Then finally, 'man'."  
  
"Man."  
  
"Put it all together now."  
  
"Itsaywhutman."  
  
"Excellent. Now, take out the 'teh' sound in it."  
  
"Isaywhutman."  
  
"Add an 'eh' sound to that."  
  
"Essaywhutman."  
  
"And take out the 'teh' sound on that whut."  
  
"Essaywhuman?"  
  
"Yeah! Essaywhuman??!??"  
  
Abel grinned widely. "Essaywhuman??!!??"  
  
Tyler swayed as much as he could, which was rather hard considering the bind he was in. "Essaywhuman??!!??"  
  
"Essaywhuman??!!??" Abel's shoulders moved up and down in his pathetic imitation of dancing.   
  
"Essaywhuman??!!??"   
  
Cain whipped out a pistol and pointed it at Tyler's head. "Will you stop that fucking nonsense? It's irritating!" All without taking his eyes off the road.  
  
Tyler backed off from his only form of entertainment. "Sorry...sorry..."  
  
Abel snorted in contempt of his brother's behavior, and turned on the radio. A very "phat" beat emitted from the speakers. He turned his head towards the back seat to see Tyler bumping his head up and down in a strange fashion. "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Tyler looked at him as if he were from a different planet. "Don't tell me you've never heard this song before."  
  
Abel perked his ears for a moment, then shook his head.  
  
Tyler shook off his ignorance, and went back to the song. "To the windooooooooow, to the walls!"  
  
Abel looked at Tyler with even more curiosity. "To the walls?"  
  
"Till the sweat drop down mah balls!"  
  
"Balls?"  
  
"Now all you bitches crawl!"  
  
"Crawl?"  
  
"Now all skeet skeet muthaFUCKAS!"  
  
Cain raised his hand to knock Tyler out once more, only to be stopped by Abel. "Are you nuts? You'd probably kill him!"  
  
"I doubt it," the taller werewolf snapped back.  
  
They soon, as all siblings do, engaged in a very heated argument about how many times a human could be knocked out within an hour without killing him in the process. Tyler took this opportunity to struggle violently with his binds, and as they made their way into the airport parking lot, his limbs were free. As Cain slowed to a crawl in order to find an open space, Tyler kicked the door open and rolled out, SWAT style. He sprinted for the nearest place he could find: the airport. He turned to see Cain and Abel leaping out of their car, pointing at him and screaming at each other for whoever's incompetence.   
  
Running into the actual airport, Tyler realized, probably wasn't that great of an idea, but he was too panicked and hyperactive to really care. As he knocked over strollers and old ladies in his rush to escape the werewolf brothers, he slammed directly into a leather-coated chest.   
  
Tyler flew back from the force, and looked up to see a short, Asian man standing next to a taller, angrier black woman. As the glare upon the black woman's face grew, Tyler knew (from his experience with angry black women) that he had found himself in some deep ass shit.   
  
The man picked Tyler up by his collar with a shocking amount of strength, and the woman snapped, "You're coming with us." They dragged him away, and no one else bothered to help him.   
  
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Ohhhhh, poooor Tyler. I think he might have pissed Niobe off. That is always a bad thing. Heh, I'm mean. I haven't unplugged the poor man yet. Patience, y'all....  
  
Anyway, I normally don't directly respond to reviews, but in this case....  
  
*Kitsune-Chan 8* You know, I have never told you how much I appreciate your reviews. You are one of the few reasons why I didn't delete "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". I'm glad that you think I'm funny, and I'm glad you enjoy my Tyler-punishment. All in all, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!   
  
*Aeyvi Allen Poe* Why, thank you! I think I might start blushing...  
  
Anyhow, drop the reviews, and I'll continue soon...Tyler plushies in advance to those who review... 


	3. Angry Black Woman

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Three: Angry Black Woman  
  
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"To be perfectly honest, you scare the living (and the dying) shit out of me."  
  
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The Asian man dragged Tyler throughout what seemed to be the entire airport. The Good Samaritans seemed to have the will to help the poor man out, but one death glare from the black woman sent them in reverse.   
  
Finally, they threw him into a room that he had never seen before, in a corner of the airport that he had never been to. They both glared at him carefully, before Tyler chose to speak.  
  
"You guys aren't working for the Merovingian, are you?"  
  
The woman turned to the man. "I thought he was a program."  
  
The man shook his head. "So did I. But no program can be that stupid."  
  
Tyler could have easily lost it, if he had any clue what they were talking about. "Um...what?"  
  
They both looked at Tyler, ignored him, and went back to their conversation.  
  
Tyler was getting slightly annoyed, mostly because for all he knew the Merovingian could be waiting for him right behind that door. "Hey, you guys? Do you think you could help me out here?"  
  
The Asian man spoke. "What?"  
  
"Yeah...you see, there's this French guy, he calls himself the Merovingian, and quite some time ago he kept me in his chateau because some albino twins of his decided to destroy my car for whatever reason and not pay me back, but then he tried to kill me because he thought I was fooling around with his wife, who, I'll have you know, came on to ME. Anyway, I got out of the chateau in one piece, and then I decided to run away to Canada. But then he tracked me to Canada and sent some of his werewolf henchmen, who are normally pretty cool people, to take me back to the States to be his 'royal jester,' but I'm not really sure if I believe that, because he's probably still angry about the whole thing with his wife, and hell, I'd be too, but --"  
  
"Shut your mouth." Tyler obeyed, mostly because he really didn't want to deal with an angry black woman that day. She turned back to her partner. "Is THIS the guy that Seraph told us about?"  
  
The man nodded. "He must be. His story checks out completely."  
  
"But I thought the coppertop that we're saving would be someone who wasn't completely worthless?"  
  
Tyler was pretty sure that was an insult on his part, but he didn't comprehend the meaning of half the words she had said.   
  
The woman turned back to Tyler, fingering something in her palm. "Look...whoever you are..."  
  
"Tyler. My name's Tyler."  
  
"Yeah, okay, Tyler. The Merovingian's not human."  
  
Tyler snickered. "Yeah, obviously not. No human could be that bitchy."  
  
The woman didn't laugh. "I was serious. He's a program."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? You're acting as if this is some sort of..." Tyler paused, thinking. He continued in disbelief, "computer program?"  
  
The man smiled, and it looked like it hurt. "He's not as stupid as you thought, Niobe."  
  
The woman he called Niobe glared some more. "Just listen..." And she proceeded to tell a very strange tale about how there was once a century long war between humans and machines, and how the humans blocked out the sun in an attempt to eliminate the source of the machines' power, and how the machines took the humans and made them a power source, and how some humans were able to free themselves and so they made a city and went back to free more people, and how the world that the majority of humans lived in was a computer-generated illusion called the Matrix, and how every version of the Matrix had an anomaly called the One, and how the last One (Neo) actually ended the war, and how now after the war the machines and humans were living in a tentative peace, and finally, how the programs were now intending to fuck that up too by taking random humans and killing them for no damn reason with the intent of pissing both the rebel humans and the System off.   
  
Tyler sat there for a moment, and Niobe stared at him, expecting him to say something about how she was a crazy ho who was tripping on E. Instead, he stroked his chin thoughtfully and said, "That makes perfect sense. It makes more sense than what these machines would have me believe, anyway."  
  
Niobe and her partner both breathed a sigh of relief. But Tyler spoke again.   
  
"But...if this war is over, like you say, then why are you coming to me?"  
  
The man decided to speak this time around. "You, unfortunately, are a link in the Merovingian's planned chain of events. He wanted to kill you, and other humans, so that the rebels could get pissed at the System for allowing it to happen, and that the System could get pissed at the rebels for jumping to conclusions."  
  
"Oh." Tyler paused to think again. "So, what are you guys going to do with me?"  
  
"We're going to unplug --" At that moment, the glass window crashed in, and a rather nicely dressed man in sunglasses stepped through.   
  
Niobe swore terribly. "What the fuck? What's a fucking Agent doing here?"  
  
The Agent in question straightened his tie and looked directly at Tyler as he answered Niobe's question. "We are here to make sure that this human doesn't get killed...by either the Merovingian or your incompetence."  
  
Niobe swore terribly, once again, in response, and she ran for the wall. Time seemed to slow down as she kicked the Agent in the head. "It's like watching a sci-fi movie..." Tyler muttered under his breath.   
  
The Asian man ran and grabbed him once again by his collar. "Come on, we're getting out of here!" He sprinted out of the room, out of the airport, and into a car. A rather snazzy car, actually, stick shift and everything.   
  
Tyler was thrown into the back seat. "Hey...um..."  
  
"Ghost."  
  
"Yeah, Ghost. What about Niobe? Will she be okay?"  
  
Ghost smiled, though Tyler couldn't see. "I'd be more worried about the Agent."   
  
At that moment, Niobe crashed out of another window, ran for the car, flipped over the hood, threw herself into the driver's seat, and sped off. All within approximately two seconds, beating Tyler's ex-girlfriend's record. "Hey, Niobe? Where are we going?"  
  
She looked at the soon-to-be-ex-coppertop in the rearview mirror. "We're going to unplug you."  
  
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Whoa dawgs, an actual Matrix-related plot! *gasp!* Don't run away yet. Allow me to explain.   
  
It's been approximately six months to a year since the events of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". In that time, both the rebels and the machines have come to an armistice, and an uneasy peace (but peace nonetheless). The Merovingian is starting to get kind of worried about this, because there is a small chance of the System (now no longer concerned with the rebels) coming after him, full blast. So, he decides that killing off coppertops would distract the System from him and his fellow Exiles, because then they'd have to deal with angry rebels. His first target is now Tyler, mostly because he's still kind of pissed about the non-existent escapade with Persephone. The only way that the rebels can really solve for this is to unplug his targets before he can get to them, because let's think here: the Merovingian could kill anybody he wants in the Matrix, he's got access to anywhere in the world.   
  
Yes, this plot has holes. Yes, I am trying to fix them. Yes, I am trying to be slightly more serious than "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins". Back off. Dayum.  
  
*Kitsune-Chan 8* Well dayum, girl. I didn't stop to think about that. Perhaps I should change chapter two a bit to suit that little fact. Thanks. (And I LOVE Carlton! Random thing to say, yes, but it's true. He's too adorable.)  
  
*Yar Kramer* Um...thanks? I'm actually quite proud of "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins"...but whatever. It's funnier than this one, that's for sure. And I LOVE black comedies, do you know why? Because they are ridiculous. And they are funny. And they are ridiculously funny. I like writing ridiculously funny things. On a final note, if Will Smith were Neo, then the Matrix section of this site would have only half as many fics. You know why? Because that'd leave less room for DAMN Mary Sues! Excuse me for a moment while I go glomp my lover Will Smith...eeeee! I love him too!  
  
Wow. That was the longest author's note I've ever written. Except for that brief moment when I unknowingly broke the TOS rules and wrote that one Yu Gi Oh fic...what was it? Oh yes, "Yugi Moto's Pro Duelist". It was really funny, only it was in script fic form. And that is a violation of TOS. Shame on me. I made myself read the rules all over again...do you know how many people break those damn rules on this site? And they call it humor!   
  
How about those reviews, folks? 


	4. Five Across The Eyes

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Four: Five Across The Eyes  
  
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"Well shit, if I knew that I was going to nearly drown in six billion people's shit, eat single-cell gray blobs, and have to wear these ugly-ass clothes, I would have never taken that damn pill."  
  
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Niobe drove down whatever Canadian street on the way to some random warehouse where they could safely unplug Tyler. Unfortunately, this warehouse in question was rather far from the airport if you were not taking the freeway there, and Tyler was growing rather impatient.  
  
He spoke up. "Umm...Niobe? Ma'am? You could get there much faster if you just took the freeway..."  
  
Both Niobe and Ghost immediately turned in their seats to serve him the double-death-glare-attack, and he shrank to a height of two centimeters in his seat. He did not speak up again for another fifteen minutes, but as we all know, this fic would not be funny if Tyler never spoke.  
  
"Hey, it's kinda boring in here, don't you think? Let's turn on the radio or something."  
  
Ghost looked at him through the rearview mirror. "Will it get you to shut up?"   
  
Tyler contemplated, then, "Uh...sure."  
  
Ghost obliged. A few top 40 hits went by, then suddenly one of Tyler's favorite songs was on. He tapped his feet. He bopped his head. He tried to do everything but sing out loud. Unfortunately:  
  
"Face the wall shawty! Put yo hands on it! Make it bounce up and down and make a nigga want it!"   
  
Five across the eyes, Niobe hit hard. It hurt.   
  
****  
  
Tyler sat at the table with a pad and a pen, scribbling furiously while Niobe set down the red pill in front of him. Ghost looked over at him curiously. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm writing down all the things I need when I reenter the Matrix after I'm unplugged," Tyler muttered from his paper. He read part of his list to himself. "Let's see...Nuke my ex-girlfriend's house...Shoot the Merovingian...watch more Quentin Tarantino...go to a Pretty Girls Make Graves show...convince my cousin to let me meet Electric Six...ah yes! Teach Abel how to dance."  
  
Both Niobe and Ghost turned abruptly. "What?"   
  
"Have you seen that boy? He has no rhythm! He put The Roots to shame with his dancing...I use that term so loosely."  
  
Niobe sighed. "Take the damn pill, Tyler."   
  
Tyler held up a hand to silence her. (Not really. You can't silence Niobe, you know this.) "Just one moment." He finished the last line with an extravagant flourish, and grabbed the pill. "Hey, y'all got any water?" Niobe's death glare said no.   
  
Tyler took the pill.   
  
****  
  
Within twenty-four hours, Tyler was unplugged and dangerous. He was also still trying to get over the layers of shit that he was covered in.   
  
He decided to take a small tour around Zion in order to get himself oriented. One thing was for sure, the city was a lot shittier than he had hoped. Shouldn't it be all Star Wars/Space Odyssey and stuff?   
  
He tugged slightly at his shirt. Not Fubu, but it would have to do. At least, that's what Niobe said.   
  
He found himself walking up to a random citizen of Zion. "Excuse me?"  
  
The girl looked up at him. "Yes?"  
  
"These clothes are made out of hemp, right?"  
  
The girl nodded, intrigued that someone would ask a question about something so random and unimportant.   
  
"So, uh, where would these hemp plants be grown?" Tyler's eyes shone with excitement and hope.  
  
The girl's eyes narrowed, as if she were being forced to examine a very disgusting bug of some sort. "It's not that kind of hemp."  
  
Tyler refused to be discouraged. "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say...where are they?" [A/N: Shouts to Kitsune-Chan 8 for this bit. It was too funny...I normally never advocate stealing jokes, but...I'll call this my own little shout-out.]  
  
Zion was in for quite a bit.   
  
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OKAY, I know that this chapter was oh so sketchy. I promise I'll fix it. Dang. You'll have to excuse me. AP test this Friday. Auuuuuugh! I'll write a song about it. I promise.   
  
*Angel-Of-Lightness* Why thank you! I think I'm blushing by now...you know, I have never enjoyed Trin/Neo fics...it's just me.  
  
*Megami no Inazumi* Thank you too. I'm actually quite glad I started a sequel too. It's a bit more serious, and has a better plot.  
  
*Kitsune-Chan 8* Ahhh, yes, my favorite reviewer. Yes, I did use your idea. It was too funny. Sort of a shout-out within a fic. And wait...Tyler will meet with Squiddies soon.   
  
*Yar Kramer* Thanks much. I can't stand most Mary Sues, for some reason. Personal preference...  
  
Oh, fuck it, he'll meet the Squiddies next chapter. Can't put that off. And I'll be getting back to the original plot too. I'm hating this chapter...I really am. 


	5. Tyler and Squiddies Do Not Mix

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Five: Tyler and Squiddies Do Not Mix  
  
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"Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy MACHINES MACHINES. Squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy squiddy AHHH BOT! BOT! Boooooooot, boooooooot, oh it's another robot." -a parody to Badger Badger Badger  
  
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Within a week, Tyler had fully recovered from his swimming-in-shit experience, and was perfectly healthy. The problem was that he used his recovered state to annoy the b'jesus out of every Zionite on the face of the planet.   
  
One day, Tyler decided to explore the bad side of the former operator of the Logos, Sparks. It was quite remarkable to see Sparks turn an interesting shade of purple, because it was usually he who did the annoying. Sparks, along with many other Zionites, decided to raise issue with Niobe, who seemed to become the scapegoat of this particular situation.   
  
After hearing a score of different complaints, Niobe held up a hand. The dining room fell completely silent, all the occupants hoping to hear a sentence containing the words "Tyler" and "death".   
  
Niobe spoke. "I dislike the guy as much as you do --" She was interrupted with dissent, "but we had to keep him from the Merovingian."  
  
A Zionite shook his head. "Why? The boy's a fucking idiot."  
  
"He's wasteful!" another piped up.  
  
Two dark-skinned twins also chimed in, "He keeps shouting things like 'Face the wall, shawty' and 'bend over to the front and touch yo toes'!"  
  
Yet another Zionite added, "He keeps quoting something he calls the 'Chappelle show'. Yesterday he ran down the residence halls screaming, 'I'm Rick James, biatch!'"   
  
"And he keeps singing that Badger Badger Badger song..."  
  
Everyone in the room shuddered for a minute or two.   
  
"Can't we just jack in with him and ditch him at the Merovingian's restaurant?" Ghost pleaded...which was a sign of his desperate state. Ghost never pleased with anyone, especially not Niobe.   
  
Niobe rubbed her forehead, hoping that it would make the headache disappear. Failure. "I have a plan. Morpheus, Hype, Ghost and I will go out to that battle site near 01. With Tyler. Maybe some hard work will get him to shut up."  
  
Everyone in the room doubted it, but no one ever talks back to Niobe and lives to tell the tale.  
  
The door rang with a heavy knock as Tyler got dressed. "Badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM..." he whispered as he opened the door. "Niobe? Ghost? What can I do you for?"  
  
Niobe, Ghost and some anonymous black man stood at his door, expressionless. Niobe spoke first. "Tyler, we need you."  
  
Tyler examined Niobe's face carefully. "Really? No shit?" Ghost nodded. "What for?"  
  
"We're heading out to the machine city 01."   
  
Tyler was a bit more intelligent than Niobe had assumed. "Isn't that kind of dangerous? I know the war's over, but there's no such thing as a complete peace."  
  
Niobe readily served up another death glare (they come a dime a dozen, you know), which shut Tyler up rather quickly.   
  
He searched frantically for words as he quailed underneath Niobe's glare. "Um...give me ten minutes to get properly dressed."  
  
"Five."  
  
"Oh, come on! Seven and a half?"  
  
"Three."  
  
"Oh, all right. Five minutes."  
  
"I said three. Did you hear me stutter?"  
  
"Damn, woman..." Tyler grumbled under his breath.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing...ma'am. I'll be out in three minutes."  
  
As Niobe piloted the Tenshi (Hype's ship) towards 01, Tyler found it imperative to make himself familiar with his temporary crew.   
  
He first walked up to a tall, lanky black woman who had no ass and no curves. "I'm Tyler, you are?"  
  
"Hype," the woman spat venomously. Tyler immediately thought of her as Niobe part deux. "I've heard plenty about you."  
  
Tyler flexed his non-existent muscles. "Oh really?"  
  
"Yeah, so don't fuck with me if you care anything for your limbs."  
  
Tyler backed slowly away, as so not to excite the woman and commence a chase. "All right, all right...shawty."  
  
If people could literally glare daggers, then Tyler would be stuck full of them. "What did you call me?"  
  
Tyler quickened his pace away from Hype. "Nothing...Hype. Pleasure meeting you." He turned to the other anonymous person, a black man, bald. "Hey, I'm Tyler."  
  
"Morpheus."  
  
"Oh! I've heard of you! You were the guy who found the --" Ghost clamped another hand over Tyler's mouth and pulled him around the corner.  
  
"Are you crazy?!"  
  
Tyler was bewildered. "What? Is talking about the One taboo or something?"  
  
"With Morpheus, yes! Do you want to die?"  
  
Tyler thought that over. "No, not really."  
  
"Then watch your mouth! I can't always be here to save your hide." Ghost turned to go join Niobe.  
  
Tyler stood on the ship, feeling rather alone. "Pleasant bunch we've got here."  
  
Niobe landed in the center of the battle site. Tyler looked out at the mountains of metal and rubble. "What are we doing here, exactly?"  
  
"We're....uh..." Niobe hadn't anticipated that Tyler would actually start asking questions. She nudged Ghost.  
  
"Um...we're here to look for..." Ghost nodded towards Hype.  
  
Hype rocked back and forth. "We're going to look for...parts!"  
  
"Yeah! Ship parts! So we can build some...you know, ships," Morpheus quickly chimed in.   
  
Tyler shrugged, picked up his bag, and exited the Tenshi. "Yeah, okay, whatever."  
  
He actually was making himself quite useful, burrowing through rubble, looking for useful ship parts. Niobe and the others looked through the rubble also, not really paying much attention to their work.  
  
Suddenly: "Holy motherfucking SHIT!"   
  
Tyler was flat on his ass, his eyes twice the size of beach balls, staring at a rather large machine. It much resembled a giant robotic version of a squid.   
  
"It's a fucking SQUID!"   
  
Hype struggled not to laugh, and Ghost played along. "Yeah Tyler! Be careful not to make any quick movements...you might tempt it..."  
  
Tyler slowly crawled away, and tried to get to his feet. The squid nudged him quite lovingly, but his fear seemed to see it as an attack. He grabbed his bag and started smacking it frantically. "AAAAAAARGH! Get AWAY! Get AWAY!"   
  
"Oh no, Tyler! I think you might have angered it!" Niobe shouted from a distance as Morpheus giggled madly.   
  
Tyler ditched his bag and began to run towards the Tenshi. "Aaaaaaaaaah! Quick! Ghost! Hype! Load the cannons!" He tripped over some rubble, got to his feet, and began running in circles in his hysteria. "We must stop the squids! Quick everyone! Let's destroy it!"   
  
He got very dizzy from his circle-running, and soon couldn't see where he was going. He tripped once again and went flying right into Niobe.   
  
"Mmmph mmmph mmph mmph!"   
  
Tyler peeled himself off of Niobe's smaller frame. "What was that?"  
  
"I said, 'Get the fuck off!'" She shoved him twenty-five meters away.  
  
He shook off the minor injury, grabbed Niobe by the shoulders, and shook her rather violently. "Are you insane??? The SQUIDS HAVE TAKEN OVER! It's going to kill us all!"   
  
Five across the eyes created rather quick solvency.  
  
The slap seemed to calm him down quite a bit. "Thank you."  
  
"You're a fucking moron, Tyler." Niobe pointed to the squid, which was turning over a few rocks harmlessly. "It's not going to attack us. It was behaving much like a dog."   
  
"Oh." Red rushed to Tyler's cheeks as everyone else laughed hysterically and left for the ship.   
  
Morpheus pulled Niobe back. "I think maybe we should just have him jack in for long periods of time."  
  
Niobe conceded. "He'll be out of our hair, and in the Merovingian's."  
  
They looked at each other, then at Tyler, then back at each, cackling with glee.  
  
------------------------  
  
Whoa! I like this one. Hee hee hee...isn't the Squiddy cuuuuuuuute? Heh heh heh...  
  
How-aaaaaah! AP test is done and over with! YAYO! Apparently we're not supposed to discuss the AP test, EVER, or my score will be invalidated, I'll be barred from ever taking another AP test again, and I can be sued for copyright infringement. So it's like if I talk to my kid about the test 20 years from now, College Board agents will barge into my home, drag me out and into their thinly disguised van, throw me into a bare room with only one lightbulb, smack me with my old essay, and interrogate me at pencil-point.   
  
Hahahahaha, AP humor is fun. How about another?   
  
A kid's writing his essay and suddenly his pen runs dry. He hasn't got any others and if he asks anyone else for one, the proctor will invalidate his test score for talking. So he stabs his finger and finishes the essay with his blood, though he's feeling pretty woozy after the first paragraph. A month later, at the AP testing convention, a teacher picks up the essay, looks at it carefully, and says "This was written in red ink! He gets a zero for not following the damn instructions!"  
  
Anyhow, I'm seeing a huge 5 in my future. My [blank] were written beautifully and the [blank] was too easy.  
  
Kitsune-chan Your reviews make me smile. Tooooooo funny...DOCTOR OCTOPUS HAS TAKEN OVER THE WORLD!  
  
Anyhow...drop more reviews, y'all. Peacey. 


	6. Niobe Part Deux

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Six: Niobe Part Deux  
  
-----------------  
  
"Will you just shut the fuck up and jack in already?"  
  
-----------------  
  
Matter begets matter. Violence begets violence. Love begets love. Tyler begets irritated Zion.   
  
However, he did show the Zionites that he was slightly intelligent (hello? He DOES have an MBA you know...), and so they decided that if we was kept busy and away from Squiddies, he would be approximately half as annoying. Which delegated the rest of the duties back to Sparks, who was quite happy to have his job back again.   
  
Three more months into Tyler's assimilation into Zion, there had been absolutely nothing happening in the Matrix. The Merovingian wasn't capturing any more coppertops, and Agents just left the rebels alone. (Actually, Hype whipped Agent Johnson after she thought that he was dissing her by not chasing after her. She doesn't like being dissed.)  
  
And so Tyler decided that he would like to jack back into the Matrix. Sparks then concluded that he, along with everyone else in Zion, was insane.   
  
"Are you suicidal? The Merovingian'll probably kill you!"   
  
"So you think I can't defend myself?" Tyler snapped, hunched over his bag and preparing to leave with the Tenshi.  
  
"No, I'm saying that you'll probably need Hype to protect your ass."   
  
Hype walked in at that moment. "You say that like being protected by a woman was a bad thing."  
  
Sparks didn't really bother to watch his words. "Well, it's not if you don't care about being pussywhipped."  
  
He soon became very well acquainted with Hype's fist.  
  
----  
  
Tyler had spent two months in training for his first Matrix expedition. In actuality, it probably could have taken less time, but Niobe found it imperative to make sure that Tyler wouldn't be able to eat solid foods for a week before declaring him ready.   
  
He was getting very antsy before being jacked in, and Hype had to scream at him for a few times to stay still. Of course, the final result would be a bitch-slap across his cheek to get him to calm down. She truly was Niobe Part Deux.   
  
He jacked in no problem, Hype following close behind. Tyler chose a pair of Desert Eagles, much at Sparks' protest ("Don't you know how much they suck?"), Hype a Beretta semiautomatic and a katana (Tyler laughed his ass off when he saw the sword, but stopped once she gave him her own death-glare).   
  
They zipped out into the city in Hype's E Class Benz (surprisingly, the same one that Cain and Abel drove, only this one came in black). Tyler reached for the radio, only to have his hand smacked sharply away by Hype.   
  
"What the fuck, wo --" he reconsidered his words, "--Hype?"  
  
"You probably listen to shitty music."   
  
Tyler resented that comment. "Excuse me? You don't know me."  
  
"You were shouting Lil Jon at my sisters."  
  
"What?" He honestly had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"Oh please. 'Bend over to the front, touch your toes!' and 'Coolo! Hey, hey, hey, shake that puss-ay!' They're only seventeen."  
  
Tyler blushed at his returned memory of the rather attractive twins. "Oh. Uh...they look much older."  
  
"Keep talking."  
  
He fell silent for the rest of the ride.  
  
----  
  
Tyler and Hype stood outside of an old, decaying building. He looked upon it with disgust. "What are we doing, exactly?"  
  
"We're meeting up with an Exiled program."  
  
"For what?"  
  
She turned and glared at him through her sunglasses. "Are you questioning me?"  
  
"No...uh, ma'am."  
  
"Good, 'cause I'll cut off your balls and hand them to you. Don't fuck with me, Tyler. It's the principle of the thing, the principality even."  
  
Hype was one of those girls who made a load of threats, but was still scary as fuck because you knew she was more than capable of sticking with them. Tyler threw up his hands in concession and followed her into the building.  
  
His ears never forgave him again, for they were both met with a blast of angry punk rock. He tapped her on the shoulder. "Why the HELL are we going to an Outlaw Liberty show?"  
  
She looked at him with confusion. "What do you mean? I thought you liked this kind of music?"  
  
Tyler was taken aback that Hype would even know his interests, and that she even cared. He shook it off in light of the situation. "They're NEO-NAZI punks. We're not welcome here."  
  
Hype allowed the information to sink in. "Oh. Shit." She deftly stepped aside and allowed a neo-Nazi punk to trip over her foot, falling face-first to the floor.   
  
"Erm, Hype? I probably should have warned you not to do that..."  
  
At that moment, a crowd of angry neo-Nazi punks, pumped up by the music and motivated by Hype's attack, circled around the two, literally growling and foaming at the mouth.   
  
----  
  
The Exile program known as Nova watched Hype and Tyler mow down the punks as if they were nothing more than irritating weeds on their otherwise perfect lawn. "Impressive," she muttered to herself, absently adjusting her white overcoat. She noticed a black smudge on her blindingly white boots, and she quickly wiped it away. She smoothed out her short, platinum-blonde hair as the two rebels made their way to another room, assuming that it was the exit.   
  
She could hear the two bickering much like a married couple. The male was currently bitching the female out.  
  
"What were you THINKING?"  
  
The female refused to be shot down. "Excuse me? It was not my fault that we were summoned here!"  
  
"Oh, but I guess it was cool to walk right through a Nazi show and trip some Nazi punks up?"  
  
"Well, maybe if you never listened to that crap --"  
  
"I do NOT listen to Nazi punk!"  
  
"Yeah, well, we thought it'd be nice to humor you!"  
  
"HUMOR me? What'd that supposed to mean?"  
  
Nova decided it would be best to interrupt their debate, and she stepped out of the shadows.   
  
Both Tyler and Nova whipped out their guns at the sound of someone's footsteps. "Who the hell are you?" Hype demanded.   
  
Nova held her hands up to show that she wasn't armed. "My name is Nova. I am the Exile that asked you to come here."  
  
Both rebels refused to put away their weapons. "So you're going to tell us something about the Merovingian?"  
  
"Yes. There is a coppertop who went hacking one day, and found the code of the Mainframe. Thinking it was some sort of game, she created a code to eliminate all programs in the Matrix."  
  
Hype's eyes transformed to tiny slits. "What does that have to do with us?"  
  
"The Merovingian is threatening the massacre of every single human plugged into the Matrix if the code or the creator is not destroyed."  
  
Tyler rolled his eyes. "He's French. He won't do it."  
  
"He's threatening to just to anger the rebels. He thinks that if the rebels are angry enough, they'll take it out on the Machines for not having deleted the Merovingian a long time ago."  
  
"So his plan to restart the war is still in play?"  
  
"Very much so."  
  
Hype wasn't buying it. "What do you want with US?"  
  
"You two have to find the hacker and convince her to get rid of the cheat code without trying to tell her the Truth. Either that, or you kill her."  
  
"I still don't believe it."  
  
Nova held up a picture. "Then believe this."  
  
Tyler examined the photo carefully, and then cracked up. Nova grew irritated as he clutched his sides with laughter. "What is so funny?"  
  
He strained to talk. "You...must...be...bull..shitting...'cause...that...woman...is...my...ex-girlfriend..."  
  
------------------  
  
Whooooooa, cliffhanger! (Not really.) But, what is this? Could Tyler's ex-big booty ho be a hacker genius? Will Tyler be willing to talk to her, or even stand within a twenty-five kilometer radius of her? Hmm...let's find out in the next chapter! hahahahaha.  
  
Kitsune-Chan I know! I'm glad that this fic has a real Matrix-related plot. As opposed to its predecessor, where I just threw in some Matrix jokes. I'm pretty happy with this one, although the first one's funnier. And yes, Hype is like the Niobe we never knew.   
  
You know what folks? I'm actually considering a sort-of romance between Hype and Tyler. Tell me that I'm insane, so I'll get off of that idea. Me? Write ROMANCE? Hahahahahaha!!! (coughcoughI'mwritingaYuGiOhromanceaswespeakcoughcough). 


	7. Fresh Prince of The Matrix

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Seven: Fresh Prince of The Matrix  
  
------------------  
  
"Who do you think you are, Tyler? Will Smith? You're not even as half as hot."  
  
-----------------  
  
Hype zoomed down another road in the Matrix, snickering quietly to herself as Tyler stewed over their newfound information.  
  
"What I would like to know is HOW?"  
  
Hype rolled her eyes. "How what?"  
  
"How can SHE be a genius hacker? She a ho!" Hype lifted an eyebrow. "No, Hype, fuck your feminist views...if you met this girl you'd probably knock her the fuck out."  
  
"She's that stupid, hm? No wonder she was with you."  
  
Tyler turned to Hype. "Why you always gotta insult me? I'm getting the feeling that you might have a thing for me."  
  
Hype smacked him upside the head without taking her eyes off the road. As Tyler nursed the wound, she said, "Let's just find this girl and get rid of that code before the Merovingian has kittens."  
  
----  
  
They pulled up to a rather nice two-story home in the bluffs: the least likely place that a "big booty ho" (Tyler's words) would live. Apparently, six months after Tyler was unplugged, she used her computer skills and got filthy rich.   
  
Tyler took a look at the house and his jaw met the ground. "Are you absolutely sure this is where she lives?"  
  
Hype read the scrap of paper. "Yeah, that's what Nova said."  
  
"Maybe she was wrong. Or maybe she's lying...did you notice her partiality to white? Her skin was the same tint of her jacket. Three words: Ku Klux Klan."  
  
If looks could mutilate people, Tyler would have melted into a puddle of black man. "You think Exiles are in the Klan?"  
  
"It's possible."  
  
She sighed and rolled her eyes again. "Let's go. Damn, you're impossible."  
  
They walked up the long, winding driveway and rang the doorbell. As a terrible chime version of "Baby Got Back" rang throughout the house, a short, scrawny black woman with a long blond (blond? what was she thinking?) weaves and six-inch nails answered the door.   
  
She wiped the sleep from her eyes and peered out into space, not really seeing Hype and Tyler. "Zup?"  
  
Hype prepared to speak, as Tyler stared at his ex-girlfriend with his mouth wide open. "Girl, didn't yo momma ever tell you not to wear shorts like that?"  
  
The woman woke up at the sound of his voice. "Aw hell naw, nigga! What the fuck you think you doin' out hea? Trying to get on mah Benjamins?"  
  
Tyler grew irritated at her sudden (but frequent) jumping to conclusions. "What the fuck you talkin' bout, ho? I don't want none of yo skank ass money!"  
  
She suddenly noticed Hype, who was giggling quietly behind Tyler. "Oh! And WHO is THIS?"  
  
"Ain't yo business, biatch!"  
  
"Is she that BITCH you was all over at the show seven or eight months ago?"  
  
Hype was too busy laughing to really take offense. Tyler, however, was turning an interesting shade of purple.  
  
"I didn't go to no show, ho! And WHY you care? We're over, remember?"  
  
"Uh huh, we so over you gotta go out and find MAH new address and come up hea with some new ho?"  
  
"Don't be callin' HER no ho, she ain't done shit to you!"  
  
Hype looked up. "Quick to defend me?"  
  
Tyler turned to her, too angry to think straight. "Shut up!" He cowered at her death-glare. "I mean...hold on." He turned back to his ex-girlfriend. "And as for you --"  
  
"Nigga, don't be tryin' to pull that shit on me! I ain't yo shawty, you ain't got none to push around on me!"   
  
They both were incredibly angry and remarkably purple by this moment. They each took a deep breath and screamed at each other a line of phrases, most of which either were too inappropriate or too incoherent to repeat. Finally, they both ended with (at the same time):  
  
"You ain't never gonna change!"  
  
They both glared at each other, determined to get their point across. They shouted the same exact things at each other, in unison:  
  
"You ain't gettin' the last word!"  
  
"Oh yes I am!"  
  
"Oh no you not!"  
  
Frustrated, they turned away from each other, screaming at the top of their lungs:  
  
"Dayum!"  
  
Hype decided that would the opportune moment to intervene. "Excuse me, we're not here to reunite you two."  
  
Tyler's ex turned around at the sound of another woman's voice. "Excuuuuuuse me? What you want, ho?"  
  
Hype readily served up another death-glare, which hung in mid-air until the girl backed down. "Thank you. Now, we're here about the cheat code you created for the game 'Enter The Matrix' in which you can eliminate all enemies?"   
  
The Psycho-Ex's expression suddenly changed, as recognition of her computer genius was brought into the field. "Yeah? You here about that? Where you from, 'Ultimate Gamer'?"  
  
Hype looked to Tyler, who rolled his eyes and nodded. "Um...sure. Yes. I'm Veronica Wilson, and you are already familiar with my partner..."  
  
Psycho-Ex smiled toothily, revealing an interesting gap between her front two teeth, giving her the appearance of a chipmunk. "Yeah...he my boo."  
  
Tyler's head whipped around, as if to say, "Your BOO?" but Hype covered his mouth. She didn't need his lack of tact to ruin their chance.   
  
----  
  
All three sat in Psycho-Ex's den, which is another term for "really farking huge room with 60-inch TV, every XBox game known to man, and copies of Penny Arcade all over the walls." Hype took a sip of the tea that Psycho-Ex had offered, and choked as the flavored steam rushed out of her nostrils.   
  
Psycho-Ex smiled. "You like it? It's imported from Japan, mushroom tea. Watch." She pulled out a mushroom the size of her palm and placed it inside a white canister. Three seconds later, a dark brown liquid gushed out of the spout and into an already-heated teapot. "It's supposed to spiritually cleanse your mind." She poured some into a teacup and sipped.   
  
Tyler was shocked that she used words that contained more than five letters. He nudged Hype and she began talking. "Your code is probably one of the most breakthrough things we've ever seen in gaming. Never before have we seen a regular civilian gamer create such a massive cheat code."  
  
Psycho-Ex twirled a blond plastic lock of hair around her finger. "Really? Y'all gon do an interview or somethin?"  
  
"Absolutely. We here at 'Ultimate Gamer' feel that you are the poster child of the gaming revolution." Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted at this remark, and Hype slowly stepped on his foot.   
  
"Really?" Psycho-Ex stood up. "That's funny, because there is no such magazine as 'Ultimate Gamer'." She pulled a gun out of nowhere. "Now tell me who you are."  
  
"What the hell are you thinking, girl?" Tyler snapped. "Put the gun away, 'Ultimate Gamer' is a magazine in the...uh...in the UK!"  
  
Psycho-Ex refused. "The Merovingian told me y'all'd try to pull shit like this." She pulled the trigger, only to have Tyler flip over the back of the couch. "What the fuck?"  
  
Tyler turned to Hype, who had already whipped out her Beretta. "Let's go. The Merovingian's got her first."  
  
They both sprinted out of the house, dodging bullets, and they hopped into Hype's car and zoomed off for a hard line.   
  
Psycho-Ex shouted after them, "I don't care if you look like Will Smith, Tyler, you ain't gonna get away with this!"  
  
----  
  
"I look like Will Smith?"  
  
"Shut the fuck up."  
  
"No really? Maybe that girl was just trippin..."  
  
"You know, I think you were wrong about her. I've a bit of respect for her...smart, rich black woman."  
  
"You are trippin, Hype."  
  
"Shut the fuck up."  
  
"All right...but why would the Merovingian want to even talk to her?"  
  
"It looks like he really wants to restart the war."  
  
"That sucks."  
  
"We gotta warn Zion. If one human gets killed and the Council doesn't know about this, then they will want to launch an attack on 01."  
  
"Damn straight." Tyler whipped out his cell phone and dialed for his Operator. "Sparks! Where's our exit?"  
  
There was silence over the line. "You won't believe this..."  
  
"Just tell me, you insolent little --"  
  
"Okay, okay. It's across town."  
  
Tyler paused. "You're shitting me."  
  
"I shit you not."  
  
"Dayum!"  
  
-----------------------  
  
Hmm...this fic is going to be pretty long. I can tell. I can feel it. Yayo.  
  
Kitsune-Chan You're going to like how this thing between Hype and Tyler grows and ends. Trust me. Merovingian and Psycho-Ex? I'm trying to see that...eww! Hahahaha.   
  
I've fallen completely in love with mainstream rap. Culo! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay! Hey hey hey hey shake that puss-ay!  
  
Flip flip flip flip, game over! Flip flip flip! Review! Now! Flip flip flip flip flip! 


	8. Resist Psychic Death

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Eight: Resist Psychic Death  
  
-----------------  
  
"I'll resist with every inch and every breath, I'll resist this psychic death!" -Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill, "Resist Psychic Death"  
  
-----------------  
  
Hype sped down another street in the Matrix, knowing perfectly well that the fastest way to the hard line would probably be the freeway. Tyler didn't dare to suggest it.   
  
He did, however, find it imperative to state the obvious. "Hype, the longer we stay in here, the higher our chances of being killed by the Merovingian's Exiles become."  
  
"I know that, you fucking idiot," she snarled from behind the wheel, proving for the umpteenth time that she was truly Niobe part deux.   
  
He fell silent.   
  
----  
  
"Damn, Sparks, how much further until the hard line?" Hype barked into her phone.  
  
Sparks whimpered, knowing that he had to give the last answer that Hype wanted to hear. "It's still fifteen miles away..." He cringed in advance as Hype reacted terribly to this news.  
  
"Are you shitting me?! I swear to God, Sparks, if this is some sort of a bad joke, I'm gonna --!"  
  
Sparks typed quickly and pulled up a map on his screen. "Okay, okay, just calm down..."  
  
"Calm down?!"  
  
"Okay, strike that suggestion. Just let me try to find another route..." Sparks tried again and again, wasting about five minutes.  
  
"Why are you wasting my time, Sparks?!"  
  
Sparks cowered, knowing that his only solution would be precisely what Hype did not want to hear. "Er...I've found a shortcut."  
  
"It's about damn time."  
  
"You take the freeway --"  
  
"What?!" Hype's face slowly turned purple as her eyes widened to the size of teacup saucers.   
  
"The shortest route to the hard line is through the freeway, Hype --"  
  
"Are you tellin' me that I have to go on the goddamn freeway just to get to the fucking hard line? You had better find a different route, if you value your limbs."  
  
Sparks began to cry hysterically inside. "There is no other route! You have to go on the freeway if you don't want the Merovingian to start tracking you!"   
  
Hype threw the phone at Tyler, swearing terribly. He rubbed the sore spot on his cheek. "Damn, Hype! Why you gotta take it out on me?"  
  
"Shut the fuck up, and hold on. We're going on the freeway." She spat that last sentence out as if she had been forced to eat something terrible.  
  
----  
  
One dialed a series of numbers and put the phone to his ear. "Merovingian, Tyler and the black woman are about to enter the freeway."  
  
"Good. Do not let zem leave ze Matrix."   
  
"Yes." One hung up and turned to Two. "We can't stand Mero, can we?"  
  
Two nodded, and turned the key in the ignition. "No, we cannot."  
  
One smirked, the kind of smirk that anyone would react to in the same manner that you would react to a raging rhinoceros: run far, far away and up the nearest tree until the rhinoceros (or the smirk) had passed. "Let's go rebel-hunting."  
  
----  
  
Tyler looked around the freeway, and saw nothing but civilian cars driving along at a nice pace of 60 miles per hour. There hadn't even been any stupid drivers pushing eighty on the road that day. "I don't know what you were so scared of. Looks like nothing's gonna happen."  
  
Hype relaxed and slowed to a speed that matched the other drivers. "Maybe you're right."  
  
Tyler turned in his seat completely and looked at her, grinning widely. "What was that? Did you actually use a sentence that didn't include an insult or a swear word?"  
  
"Shut up." But this time Hype was smiling, sincerely happy and content for the first time since they had jacked in. She looked in the rearview mirror. "That's a nice Escalade."  
  
"Hm?" Tyler turned to check out the said vehicle. His jaw dropped, and he wanted to shrink to a size of approximately six centimeters.   
  
Hype watched his reaction with confusion. "Something wrong?"  
  
"Yes." He began to shake violently. "I know that Escalade. It belongs to the Twins."  
  
"The who?" But Tyler squealed with fright before he could answer her.  
  
"And that silver E Class Benz...that one belongs to Cain and Abel." If he had no shame, he would be pounding on the windows and crying.  
  
"Is something wrong? Who are these people? Programs?"  
  
Tyler still did not answer, for his shaking finger was pointing at another vehicle behind them. "That red Hummer! It belongs to Pussy Vampire and Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl!" He sank deeply into his seat. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod..."  
  
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Tyler?" Hype was getting very irritated.  
  
"What's wrong with me?" he whispered, "You mean, 'what wrong with us?'. You see, the Merovingian has sent a vehicular fleet of Exiles to jump us on the freeway."  
  
"Oh." Hype paused to allow the information to sink in properly. "Shit."  
  
"Shit? SHIT?! What do you mean, 'shit'?! They're going to capture us, if not kill us!"  
  
Hype shrugged it off. "The Merovingian doesn't kill off his prey."  
  
"I don't think you understand, Hype! They'll slaughter everyone on the freeway if they find it necessary! Have you forgotten how they destroyed my damn CAR?!!"  
  
"OH." Hype suddenly realized the scaryness of the situation. "SHIT." Her foot turned to lead as she merged onto the fast lane and sped off.  
  
"Are you cur-azy?!" Tyler screamed. "You think DRIVING FAST is going to shake them off?"  
  
"It has to. There's too much traffic between us and them." Hype looked in the rearview mirror to see the Hummer barge through four or five inferior, normal cars, with the Escalade zipping around behind the carnage, tearing off the backs of little Hyundais. "Well, looks like we can fuck that idea with a silver spoon."  
  
"NO FUCKING DUH, YOU DAMN BAKA!" Tyler's arms whirled around dangerously.   
  
Hype raised an eyebrow. "'Baka'?"  
  
"Sorry. I had to prove that I know some assorted Japanese phrases." Tyler reverted to his crazy-hyperactive mode once again. "Anyway, we're gonna die!"  
  
"Now do you see why I can't stand the freeway?"  
  
"Shut up about that and get your ass OFF the freeway before people start dying!"  
  
Hype chose not to state the obvious fact that people already probably were.  
  
----  
  
She took the next exit, driving the Exile fleet away from innocent civilians and attracting a small fleet of cop cars. "Damn! Tyler, get out your M16."  
  
"Forget it. I'm not a cop-killer."  
  
"What?! Ghost did it during the war!"  
  
"Do I look like Ghost to you?"  
  
"Of course not!" She snorted. "Ghost is ten times sexier."  
  
Tyler loaded his gun, and adopted a look of disgust. "Ewww! You're into Asians?"  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"Because you can know a person by knowing their fetishes."  
  
"Riiiight. Okay, then, I have a thing for short, creepy Asian men."   
  
"With small penises," Tyler insisted.  
  
Hype rolled her eyes. "With small penises," she repeated. "Now go!"  
  
Tyler rolled down the window, sat on the sill, and fired in the general direction of the officers. The officers, already having dealt with Niobe and Ghost and not wanting a repeat, quickly scattered. He hammered on the roof of the car. "Am I done yet?"  
  
"Hell no. You've still got those Exiles to take care of." She made a sharp turn, nearly throwing Tyler out of the car. "Sorry about that."  
  
"You're shitting me! You think I stand a chance against the Twins? They're probably bulletproof!"  
  
"Just do it!"  
  
Tyler pulled the trigger and fired at the Escalade. It fell back, and Cain and Abel's Benz took the front line. He hesitated.   
  
"What the fuck are you waiting for, Tyler? Shoot them!"  
  
"I can't. Even though Cain and Abel knocked me out and tried to take me back to the Merovingian to get killed, I'm still so cool with them. I watched 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' with them! That's sold, man, solid."  
  
Hype smacked her forehead. "Didn't Cain once tell you that 'Friday' sucked?"  
  
Tyler's eyes narrowed. "That's right. Those werewolf motherfuckers." He fired at the Benz, riddling it with bullet holes, but as we all know, only silver would stop them. They advanced.  
  
"Tyler! Get back inside, this is going to be rough!" He obeyed, and she stomped on the gas for all she was worth.   
  
Tyler noticed something. "Hey, Hype? You seen that red Hummer anywhere after we got off the freeway?"  
  
As if karma hated them at that precise moment, Vlad's Hummer zipped in, blocking the end of the road. Hype swerved, her side smacking the Hummer. The Twins' Escalade swerved in also, trapping Hype and Tyler between the two vehicles. Cain and Abel's Benz pulled over to the side, Abel jumping out and ordering the rebels at gunpoint. With the Twins, Vlad, and Bitchy Vampire Dude flanking Hype and Tyler, doing anything different would be a silly form of suicide.   
  
Cain grabbed Tyler, and growled, "You're going back to the chateau."  
  
"Obviously, stupid fuck." Tyler was still bitter about Cain's months-old remark on his favorite movie. "And by the way, the old 'Willard' sucks. I only said it was good to be nice."  
  
"That hurts, man," Abel whined.   
  
Two grabbed Hype and smirked. "We like you. You smell nice."  
  
Hype swung blindly. "Don't touch me, you over-sexed, perverted, pale-ass mother --"  
  
Both Hype and Tyler saw black, and they both decided at that moment that they hated Exiles.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Hm. Not too shabby of a chapter. This fic is going to be really long though. Hey, can you see Tyler's crush on Hype slowly developing? Huh? Huh? No, of course you can't.   
  
By the way, does anyone know the name of that one Exile that I know is a guy but he looks a lot like a girl? I'm getting kind of sick of referring to him as Bitchy Dude Who Looks Like A Girl a.k.a. Bitchy Vampire Dude.   
  
Kitsune-chan What can I say? Your reviews make me smile.   
  
How come no one else is following this fine girl's example? Review! (Please?) 


	9. Nothing Can Stop Me

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Nine: Nothing Can Stop Me  
  
--------------  
  
"But if you think that I'm not strong, you'd best watch out. Nothing can stop me!" -Corin Tucker of Heavens to Betsy, "Nothing Can Stop Me"  
  
--------------  
  
Tyler woke up to find himself on his favorite rack. "Oh fuck! I'm on the rack AGAIN?"  
  
His nose jumped off of his face, ran around for mercy, realized it would get none, and resumed its previous position. This meant that Cujo was in the area. He grinned widely, showing his teeth. This, my friends, is normally a bad thing.   
  
"Wow, Cujo. You're here?"   
  
The head werewolf nodded. "It's been a while."  
  
Tyler shrugged in agreement. "Yeah, it has. So...you gonna let us off these torture tools, right?"  
  
Cujo didn't answer, he only smiled.   
  
"Aw, shit." Cujo, like old times, cranked the wheel. "Owwwwww! That huuuuurts!" He paused. "I'm tempting you, aren't I?"  
  
Cujo still didn't say anything, and smiled even wider. He turned the wheel again to listen to Tyler's screams of pain.   
  
"Hey, man, why you gotta trip?"  
  
Cujo looked at him as if Tyler had asked him if two plus two equaled four. "You woke up."  
  
"You suck, man. I wouldn't do that to YOU."  
  
Cujo stepped away from the rack. He positioned himself in the center of the torture chamber. One stomp. Tyler raised an eyebrow.  
  
Another stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.  
  
"My name is Cujo."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I thought you knew."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That torturing,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Is all I do! Roll call!"  
  
Tyler looked at Cujo as if he were the proof for the Pythagorean Theorem. "Roll call? I haven't done that since my days at my high school's Black Student Union..."  
  
The werewolf was significantly disappointed. "I thought you'd like it. I looked up black culture on the internet...but I guess we can go back to torturing..."  
  
"No! No! That's okay..." Tyler shouted frantically. "Uh, start the beat up again?" Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap. "My name is Tyler."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Don't act a fool."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Best recognize,"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"That I own you! Roll call!"  
  
"Man, will you both just shut the fuck up?!" Hype decided at that moment to wake up, only to find herself hanging by her wrists from the ceiling. "What the fuck is going on, Tyler?"  
  
"Recognize, Hype. Cujo likes to torture."  
  
Hype was confused. "Who do you think you are? Jay-Z?"  
  
Frustrated, Tyler snapped, "Cujo wants to roll call, woman! Or do you feel like being tortured?"  
  
"Uh..." Hype thought furiously. "My name is Hype."  
  
Cujo and Tyler both answered. "Huh?"  
  
"Not your shawty."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You fuck around,"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Answer to me! Roll call!"  
  
Abel walked in at that moment. "Hey, are the rebels awake? The Merovingian's gonna talk to them in like half an hour." He looked at Cujo stomping and clapping as if he were in a church in Harlem. "What the fuck are you guys doing?"  
  
Cujo turned to Abel, smiling sincerely. "Come on! Join in!"  
  
"Join in on what, you fuckhat?" Abel just didn't loosen up that often.   
  
"Roll call, man." Tyler nodded frantically in Abel's direction. "Do it, or we get tortured."  
  
"Uh...I'll try it."  
  
"Please do," Hype encouraged.  
  
"My name is Abel."  
  
Hype, Tyler, and Cujo answered, "Yeah."  
  
"I hate silver."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Let's hit the club."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Get crunk in hurrr! Roll call!" He paused. "That was fun. We gotta get more people in on this." He ran out of the chamber for a moment, and returned with Bitchy Vampire Dude, Vlad, and Cain. "You guys have gotta try this roll call stuff. The Merovingian would never stand for it."  
  
Hype was confused. "Why?"  
  
Vlad answered, "He's French, and has no rhythm."  
  
"Oh."  
  
All four programs started to stomp and clap out a beat, making the weapons in the chamber vibrate. Stomp. Clapclap. Stomp stomp. Clapclap.   
  
"My name is Vlad."  
  
"What?" everyone else answered.  
  
"Not a pussy."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You'll die if you,"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Talk shit on me! Roll call!"  
  
Bitchy Vampire Dude took up the next verse. "My name is Tiger."  
  
"Wait a minute!" Tyler interrupted. "What did you call yourself?"  
  
Tiger looked at him as if he were a disgusting beetle of some sort. "My name is Tiger...not Bitchy Fem-Dude Who Got His Face Smashed In By The One."  
  
Tyler paused, and cracked up. "That's what you call yourself?! Hahahaha!"   
  
Tiger glared, stormed up to Tyler's rack, and socked him effectively in the stomach. Tyler would have doubled over if he were not tied down. Tiger turned to the other programs, and they resumed the beat.   
  
"My name is TIGER." He purposely looked at Tyler.   
  
Tyler only said "Huh?" with the others.   
  
"I'm off da map."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Call me a girl,"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You'll eat my cap! Roll call!"  
  
The programs giggled maniacally as Cain took the next rhyme.   
  
"My name is Cain."  
  
"Um..."  
  
"This ain't a test."  
  
"Er, Cain...?"  
  
"Who gives a fuck,"  
  
"The Merovingian's --"  
  
"About the French?! Roll call!" Cain grinned at his newfound cleverness and wit, but no one else was smiling back. "Oh shit. He's behind me, isn't he."  
  
Everyone, including Tyler and Hype, nodded slowly. The Merovingian walked up and looked Cain directly in the eye. "Zo, you vant some rhyme? Fine! Cujo, Vlad, Tiger, start up zat zilly ztomping and clapeeng again."  
  
The programs obeyed.   
  
"My name is Mer--"  
  
"Yes?" everyone chanted weakly.  
  
"Oh veen gee on."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Cain, von't you zay,"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Hi to my gun?!"  
  
Everyone else chanted together, "Roll --!" BANG. Cain fell to the ground, a silver bullet in his head. The Merovingian looked around the chamber.  
  
"Vould anyone ELSE like to 'roll call' today?"   
  
They all shook their heads no.  
  
"Good. Cujo, Vlad, take Cain and reboot him. Maybe he vill have learned his lesson. Probably not."  
  
"That guy's scary," Hype whispered to Tyler.  
  
"You don't know the half of it," he hissed back.  
  
----  
  
Hype spun slowly in circles from the ceiling. "I am sooo tired. Being jacked in for this long..."  
  
"Oh man, Hype, when you bitch you make it worse," Tyler snapped.  
  
"Hey, look on the bright side."  
  
"WHAT bright side?"  
  
"Cujo isn't torturing us.  
  
"And THIS isn't bad enough?!"  
  
Hype paused. "You know, your ex-girlfriend is right. You DO look like Will Smith."  
  
Tyler didn't catch the hint. "What the fuck, Hype? That was completely random."  
  
"Maybe, maybe not..." She smiled, directly at Tyler. For the first time.   
  
Tyler shrank back as far as he could while he was bound to a table. "Okay, you're scaring me. What happened to the Hype who would throw Sparks out the Tenshi's bay door because he was singing the Hamster Dance?"  
  
"She'll kick your ass if you keep questioning me." Nice Hype died, and Normal Hype returned.   
  
They both stayed silent for three minutes. Then, Tyler spoke. "You know what would really suck?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"If my ex walked in right now."  
  
Karma never was a fan of our Tyler. The door slammed open, and the Merovingian stormed in with someone behind him.   
  
"Zo. You...rebels. Are you familiar vith zis...coppertop?" He spat out the last word as he pointed to Psycho Ex, who was preoccupied with her hair and her gum.  
  
"Why do you care, Merovingian?" Hype snarled.  
  
"Because I shall offer you a choice."  
  
Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted. "An ultimatum, you mean."  
  
"Shut up. Eizher I let you out of le chateau and you leave ze Matrix without the code, or she dies." He pulled out a gun and held it to her head.   
  
Tyler and Hype looked at each other. They both laughed in the Merovingian's face. "Please get rid of her! She a ho!" Tyler howled.  
  
Psycho Ex's head snapped up. "Excuuuuuuse me? You gonna let THIS perverted, cake-baking French NIGGA kill me? Aw HELL NAH!" She whipped out a rather sharp nail file. "I'm a cut YOU, nigga!"  
  
----------------------  
  
Ooooh, cliffhanger! Hehheheheh.   
  
-Kitsune-Chan 8- Awww....no strange dialogue? They make me love my characters even more! And yes...I had to think of the creepiest line that the Twins could say. That one seemed ultra-super creepy. I'm shuddering all over. Damn, those Twins are too hot. For albinos.   
  
-Matrix Refugee- I'm not sure that's his name, but I'm going to take your word for it. All right peoples: Bitchy Vampire Dude's name is now Tiger. (I could have sworn I've seen that somewhere...)  
  
What can I say? Review, dawgs! My name is Neo...yeah...I am the One...yeah...You fuck with me...yeah...and you are done! Roll call! (that means your review should have a roll call verse...amuse me...) 


	10. Big Booty Hos

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Ten: Big Booty Hos  
  
-----------------  
  
"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You otha brothas can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a rump that's in yo face, ya get SPRUNG." -Sir Mix A Lot, "Baby Got Back"  
  
-----------------  
  
The Merovingian rolled his eyes. Hype rolled her eyes. Tyler rolled his eyes. If the weapons and other assorted torture tools had eyes, they would be rolling them. In fact, every thing that was composed of any sort of matter either was or would be rolling their eyes, with the obvious exception of Psycho Ex.   
  
"Now see," Tyler started, "What I don't get is if you don't want the programs of the Matrix to be deleted, why do you want us to not get the code?"  
  
"Don't you see?" the Merovingian said. "Vith that code in my control, the System von't have anything over me! Deleting Agents at my vill, I vill have complete control over every program in the Matrix!"  
  
"This plot doesn't make a lot of sense," Hype complained.  
  
Oh shut up, Hype.   
  
"What? You know it's true! At first the Merovingian wants to kill Tyler because of his jealous rage, and then he wants to kill him so he can restart the war, and all of a sudden Tyler's ex becomes a super-computer genius who somehow creates a code that will somehow delete every program in the Matrix, and so the Merovingian wants the code eliminated or he'll start killing coppertops, and NOW all of a sudden he wants the code for himself so he can control the programs of the Matrix? Where is this going?"  
  
I said shut UP, Hype. I am God in this fic. I gave you life. I can take it away.  
  
"Oooooh, that's REAL scary. What are you going to do? Have Cujo torture me? I'm an OC, fool, no one cares that much. Now, if I were Niobe, people would care. So what's your problem? How come you didn't make me Niobe?"  
  
Because 1) Niobe would have kicked everyone's ass already, 2) she would have never stood for Roll Call, and 3) if Tyler tried to make a move on her, he would have been annihilated by her and Morpheus, consecutively. (A/N: Arrrrgh! That is SO passive voice!)  
  
"Hold up! Wait a minute! Are you saying that you were serious about this whole romance thing between me and Tyler? We're not gonna end up together, are we?"  
  
Maybe, maybe not...  
  
"Hey...hey! Don't you mess with me like that! Hey, I'm talking to you!" Hype kicked and screamed furiously in the air.   
  
Tyler, Psycho Ex, and the Merovingian all stared. "Umm...Hype?"  
  
"What, Tyler?!" she raged.  
  
"Who are you talking to?"  
  
Everyone stared some more at her strange behavior. Anger seemed to be the only way to get them off of her back. "What the fuck does it matter to you?!"  
  
"Vhatever," the Merovingian shook that off. "Anyvay, it's either I get the code or she dies."  
  
"And I SAID, French nigga," Psycho Ex cut in, "that ain't NOBODY gonna bust a cap on me! I suggest, boo --"  
  
"Boo?!" Tyler interrupted, "I KNOW you ain't talkin' to me, ho!"  
  
"--that you make this Eurotrash back the fuck off, or I'ma cut yo ass!"   
  
Everyone rolled their eyes again. "Bitch PLEASE," Tyler snapped.   
  
The Merovingian sighed and put his gun away. "Zis isn't going anywhere."  
  
Not you too, Merovingian.   
  
"Vhat? It isn't. You're just throwing togezer some tired old jokes and ghetto slang in hopes to derive a laugh."   
  
Shut UP, Merovingian...  
  
"Don't get angry vith ME just because you can't write a proper humor story..."  
  
Watch it...I am --  
  
"Oui, oui, I know...you're 'God' in zis story..." The Merovingian begrudgingly turned back to the rebels. "Zo, vhat vill it be?...Hm?" Both Tyler and Hype were out of their bonds and somehow disappeared.   
  
He turned around to see that Psycho Ex was gone too.  
  
----  
  
Tyler, Hype, and Psycho Ex crawled through the ventilation system of the chateau. "Oh isn't this great. Here I am, a great rebel, running away from some French guy. How rebellious!" Tyler grumbled.   
  
Hype turned her head and glared. "Shut UP, Tyler."  
  
"I be with her on this one, boo. Shut yo trap," Psycho Ex concurred.   
  
Tyler ignored her, and spoke up to Hype. "Hey, what is your problem anyway? Why are you such a hard ass?"   
  
Hype rolled her eyes. "Oooh! What is this gonna be? A cheesy recap?"  
  
Will you shut up and stick to the story? Look at the title of this chapter. "Big Booty Hos", not "Insolent Characters Bash Their Author And Their God".   
  
Hype shrugged and finally went back to our plot. "Why do you care, Tyler?"  
  
Tyler shrugged as best as he could given the small amount of space in the vent. "Because I'd like to know. Is that so bad?"  
  
"You can forget it."  
  
"It was Delta, wasn't it?"  
  
Hype stopped in her tracks, forcing the other two to slam into her. "What do you know about him?"  
  
"I know he's your ex-boyfriend, and that he's six feet under."  
  
"Who told you this?"  
  
"That's not the issue." Tyler paused. "He betrayed you, didn't he." It wasn't a question. It was a statement of fact.  
  
"That's not your business."  
  
"It probably isn't. But what he did that night wasn't your fault --"  
  
Hype slapped him. "Shut up. What happened that night has nothing to do with you." She saw Psycho Ex gawking at her. "What the fuck are YOU looking at? Let's move!" She resumed her crawling. Mid step, she mused, "That's the first time you've ever been serious, Tyler."  
  
"Probably will be the last." He grinned.   
  
A long pause, then: "Hey, yo. This shit's messed up. How come I'm out of this?"   
  
"Shut yo trap, girl!"  
  
"Shut MAH trap? Nigga, you gonna shut it fo me?"  
  
Tyler and Psycho Ex argued for the rest of the trip through the vents.   
  
-----------------------  
  
Hm. A bit of background for Hype, yeeees...actual stuff pertaining to the plot, nooooo. Eh. This one was a little serious. I don't do serious very well.   
  
-Kitsune-Chan- hahahahaha...roll call IS fun. Hype is much like Selena from 28 Days Later, I didn't realize that until now. I'll insert little background bits throughout the rest.  
  
Oh mah gad! Ten chapters already?! I just might reach my estimate of fifteen chapters! This is the longest fic I have ever written. I've already past the 10,000 word mark...WOW. oO   
  
Reviews make me feel good and encourage me to continue. You want to boost my self-esteem. So review. 


	11. Complicated

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Eleven: Complicated  
  
---------------  
  
"Whuut? No quote? Oh yeah, this chapter is a songfic to 'Complicated' by Heavens to Betsy...whatcha gonna do now?" -Heavens to Bikini Kill, in a conversation with no one in particular.  
  
---------------  
  
Hype socked out the grate and tumbled out of the vent. Tyler followed suit, and they both went back to help Psycho Ex out. (Well, actually, it was more of Hype carrying the girl out whilst Tyler stood aside and yelled at her some more.)   
  
Niobe Part Deux was ready to lead the way out of the chateau so they could delete the code (Psycho Ex no longer wanted anything to do with it: "All I'm gettin' is Tyler-nigga and French-nigga on mah ass...I am done with this shit."). Quickly, Tyler grabbed both ladies and dragged them around the corner.  
  
Hype smacked his hand away. "What the fuck?"  
  
Tyler said nothing, and only pointed to Cain and Abel, who were walking right past their previous position, assault weapons in hand. "That could have been our mutilated asses," he mouthed.  
  
"But I thought they liked you?"   
  
"Naw. I told them 'Willard' sucks, they'll never forgive me for that one."  
  
Hype rolled her eyes, and looked around the hall. "I think the coast is clear. We need to get out of here." She quietly pressed herself to the wall, signaling the others to follow suit, but not without lightly brushing Tyler's hand. He looked up and smiled. She didn't return the expression.  
  
--  
  
I don't know how to be good to you  
  
You're too close and you know it too  
  
Nobody has a good enough excuse  
  
I'm just fucked up and so are you  
  
--  
  
They made their way through hall after hall, passing chambers and libraries and dining rooms. Neither Hype nor Tyler knew where they were going. This was bad. Hype turned to Psycho Ex. "Tell me you know your way around here."  
  
Psycho Ex nodded. "That French-nigga showed me the chateau --"  
  
Tyler clucked. "Will you please quit calling the Merovingian that?"  
  
"Fine! How about...Figga? How's that?" she snapped dangerously.   
  
"It's the best we're gonna get..." He grumbled, "Black women, geez..."  
  
Hype and Psycho Ex both smacked him over the head, and Psycho Ex took the lead through the next hall. She turned to Hype. "You know we're in the mountains?"  
  
Hype and Tyler both stopped in their tracks. "What?! Then how did we get here?"  
  
"Don't tell me you guys don't know about the skeleton keys."  
  
Tyler scratched his head in wonder. "For a big booty ho, you sure know a lot about the Matrix."  
  
She looked at him funny. "What's the Matrix?"  
  
Hype smacked Tyler over the head. "OW!"   
  
Psycho Ex giggled. "You know I was just playin'. I know about the Matrix."  
  
Tyler grumbled and rubbed his sore spot, and they reached a door. Hype stared at it rather pointlessly. "You said we're in the mountains."   
  
Psycho Ex nodded. "Yeah.  
  
"So how are we gonna get out of here?"  
  
Psycho Ex held up something small and silver. "I'm black. I know how to jack people." It was, indeed, a skeleton key.   
  
Tyler started at the sight. "The hell?! You stole from the Merovingian?!"  
  
Psycho Ex rolled her eyes. "Don't act dumb, boo. I jacked it from that one werewolf guy...you called him Abel?"  
  
"H-how?!" Tyler sputtered. "Abel is still pretty strong...he could tear you to shreds!"  
  
"I offered to flash," she explained simply.  
  
Tyler narrowed his eyes. "You didn't, right?"  
  
"Why you gotta care?" She turned away, leaving Tyler flustered and irritated. "Anyway, this key will take us right outside of the Crossroads Mall...which is on the exact side of town that your hard line is."   
  
Tyler's jaw dropped to the dusty floor. "How'd you -- ?"   
  
"Ask me no questions, boo. Now let's go." She stuck the key in the keyhole and turned, and all the while Tyler was wondering how she suddenly got such an intellect.  
  
-------  
  
Hype and Tyler sped down the street, with Psycho Ex in the backseat. The skeleton key proved itself to be useful for carjacking. Tyler refused to let Hype have a say in which car, not really wanting to deprive a poor person of such an expensive investment. They finally decided on a used '87 BMW. No one would miss it.   
  
"Our first order of business is to get you home." Hype looked at Psycho Ex in the rearview mirror.   
  
"Problem? Figga knows where I live. And he still wants that code," Psycho Ex pointed out.  
  
"We'll take you to the Oracle. She'll house you until we jack back in. Problem solved," Tyler answered right back, determined to get rid of his ex for at least a day.   
  
And so they did. Let's skip all of the Oracle's cryptic speak, and just translate it as, "I would be happy to keep her here."  
  
So our rebels sped happily away from the Oracle's apartment. Tyler dialed for Sparks.   
  
"Operator."  
  
"Hard line. Now."  
  
"You're right on track. Just turn right on the next street, then take the second left, and another right until you see a pay phone at the end of the road."  
  
"Thanks. Finally." Tyler hung up before Sparks could swear in response.  
  
He turned to Hype. "Long day, hm?"  
  
Her response was cold. "It's not over yet." Tyler mentally crawled into a corner at her response.   
  
"If it's Delta...I'm sorry for bringing it up, okay?"  
  
"I don't need your apology." She sighed. "Just don't talk about it."  
  
--  
  
I love you so much you could hurt me  
  
So I do it first so you won't see me  
  
Laugh it off and I don't feel it  
  
Hard as rocks and nails underneath  
  
--  
  
"Fine. Let's just get out of here." Tyler stayed silent for the rest of the ride.   
  
Hype watched him dissipate into nothing at the pay phone. Picking up and replacing the receiver, she sighed deeply. She had a feeling that it was going to be a long night once they got back to Zion.  
  
------  
  
Hype lay on her cot, staring at the ceiling. So many memories stuffed in her head, they just ricocheted off the walls of her skull, giving her a terrible headache. She and Tyler would not be retrieving Psycho Ex and the code for another two days. In the meantime, she would rest...and remember.  
  
--  
  
Hardly anyone is sincere  
  
All I know is anger that is real  
  
I barely know how true goodness feels  
  
I don't even know how to feel  
  
--  
  
Her primary thoughts flew to Tyler. How annoying he was! And such a hindrance! The courage that he had shown in the Matrix was rare, he'd need two days to build it up again. And yet, behind all of the "face the wall, shawty" and "goddamn ho"...  
  
--  
  
I know I built walls all around  
  
I'm begging you to knock them down  
  
But yours are just as big and mean as mine  
  
Tight defenses and we draw the line  
  
--  
  
She closed her eyes. Fuck Tyler. He was just another fool, running around, hoping he could make a difference. Nobody can make a difference. One person can't make any positive change. Most people don't even want to do it. Delta proved that...  
  
Delta was weak, she decided. He was weak and his weakness betrayed her and her shipmates. There wasn't any other excuse...  
  
--  
  
If you want to go, just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
If you want to go, just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
I don't care if you go, just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
I'll die if you go, just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
--  
  
Delta, Hype, and Fear all ran through the alleys of the city, with Agents Brown, Johnson, and White all following them closely. Fear pulled out a grenade and tossed it behind them, not caring about the consequences.   
  
The explosion did take out Agent White, but the force threw back the rebels further into the alley. Fear's pale skin oozed with blood, his forehead rocking a terrible gash. Hype's face was covered with assorted cuts and bruises along the cheek, and her ribs seemed to be screaming to her brain that they were in pain. Thankfully they weren't broken. Only Delta seemed to be okay enough to face the Agents, and so he did.   
  
Brown's glasses reflected the street lights as he and his partner advanced on the fallen rebels. Hype looked to Delta, a tanned man of few words, and seemed to expect him to attempt to hold them off. He stared at the Agents, and broke off into a sprint.   
  
--  
  
Stop everything  
  
Stop all these fucked up games  
  
Promise me we'll be good to each other  
  
Promise me, I need it signed sealed and delivered  
  
--  
  
He had always been rather cat-like in his movements, for someone of his height. His hands and legs crawled over rungs and fire escapes as he made his way to the rooftop of the old building. The Agents pulled out their Desert Eagles and shot mercilessly at the retreating rebel. He moved quickly, somehow dodging their bullets, as if he were mocking them.   
  
--  
  
Stop everything  
  
Or my heart will break  
  
My pride isn't worth it  
  
Help me this is hurting  
  
--  
  
As the Agents were preoccupied with the traitorous Delta, Hype pulled out her Beretta and hoisted a nearly unconscious Fear onto her side as so to serve as a human crutch. The Agents gave up on Delta and turned back to Hype and Fear.   
  
Shots rang out behind the programs, as Ghost, in Niobe's Firebird, fired pointlessly. Hype took the opportunity of the programs preoccupation, and frontflipped quickly over the two, with Fear in her arms. Going at a full-out sprint, she heard the Agents' bullets whiz by as she threw herself and Fear into the backseat.   
  
--  
  
If you want to go just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
If you want to go just go, just go, just go, just go  
  
And I'll watch you walk away  
  
--  
  
Hype turned in her seat to see Delta still running from building to building, Agents running along the sidewalk with him. A tear welled up in her eye as Niobe asked, "Why is Delta on the rooftop?"  
  
She only answered, "He left us."  
  
Niobe didn't press the subject.   
  
--  
  
Super girl  
  
She isn't real  
  
I can't fly all alone  
  
I can't even get off the ground  
  
--  
  
Hype's heart stopped at that moment. An Agent had his gun in the air, and a body dropped from three stories high to the concrete.   
  
Niobe and Ghost knew what happened, but they kept silent. Fear fell asleep. All Hype knew what to do was to dial for Power, the Tenshi's operator.  
  
"Operator."  
  
"Fear's asleep. I'm fine. Niobe and Ghost got us."  
  
Power stayed silent on her end of the line. Finally, she spoke. "Hype, Delta is..."  
  
"I know."  
  
--  
  
I don't know what else to say  
  
I don't want to push you away  
  
I need your help today  
  
I can't get off the ground today...  
  
--  
  
"It's complicated," Hype whispered to herself as she drifted off into the world of dreams and tears.  
  
-----------------------  
  
Wow. I can't believe it. I can't believe I just wrote that. I think I'm getting all teary eyed here...you must understand that I've fallen in love with each and every one of my OCs. I'm a bit too connected, give me a few minutes to get over it...  
  
Oh yes, a bit of trivia, Delta is loosely based a boy I know...very personal stuff at this point, you don't want to hear it. (Oooooh! What's this? Heavens to Bikini Kill once had BOY-DRAMA? Children, gather 'round!)  
  
-Kitsune-Chan- why, thank you. I personally think that my serious writing stinks. Ah yes, and thanks for the summary hint.   
  
Eh, review. Maybe it'll help me get over this bout of depressing writing. 


	12. Token Happy Black Man

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Twelve: Token Happy Black Man  
  
--------------  
  
"Does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch?!" -Wayne Brady (the most whitewashed black man in TV history), the Chappelle show  
  
---------------  
  
Two days later, after swallowing gray blob and taking a hot shower, Tyler decided that he had a sub-mission once he and Hype plugged back in to retrieve (and eliminate) the code. Hype was brooding over apparently nothing. It was now his job to make her happy...or at least, the violently aggressive person that she normally was. Even though he wasn't in the best mood himself. (Psycho Ex was so draining...)  
  
He made his way to the Tenshi. "Hey! Tyler!" Sparks jogged up to him and smacked him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.   
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you ready?"  
  
"Ready for what?"  
  
"For ten hours or more of running, shooting, jumping, kicking, and cursing!" Sparks grinned widely. "What else?"  
  
"You make it sound so fun..." Tyler grumbled.  
  
"What? It's not?"  
  
Tyler stopped abruptly, causing Sparks to crash into him and drop all of his things. "YOU try it."  
  
Sparks didn't speak to Tyler for the rest of that day.  
  
----  
  
Tyler and Hype jacked in, and looked around the warehouse. She picked up the keys and made her way to the Benz, but at that moment his foot connected with hers and in one fluid motion, he had the keys in his hand. He jangled them in her face. "You wantin' THESE?"  
  
Hype only glared. "I suggest that you rethink your actions, Tyler."   
  
Tyler grinned widely. "Ah ah, Hype. Today we are going to have BIG smiles."  
  
She rolled her eyes in response. "You sound like my kindergarten teacher."  
  
"Who knows?" His voice became very low and creepy sci-fi like. "Maybe I was..."  
  
Five across the eyes, but this time it didn't have as much energy and luster. Slapping Tyler sometimes got old.   
  
As he recovered from the blow, he gripped the keys tightly. "Don't matter how much you hit me, Hype, but I'm driving today."  
  
She sighed and allowed it.   
  
----  
  
Tyler was having almost too much fun as he drove the E Class down the road. "Oh my god! This is such a nice car!"   
  
"Hey, you idiot, you're supposed to make a right up here!"  
  
Tyler swerved, and Hype would have been thrown onto his lap if she hadn't been wearing a seat belt. "It handles so-o-o-o well!" he squealed.   
  
"You're behaving like a teenage girl!" Hype protested. "Get yourself under control, or I'm driving!"   
  
Tyler chose not to hear such sensible words, and pulled a CD out of nowhere.  
  
Hype stared at it. "The hell is that?"  
  
"A CD, silly."  
  
"I know that, fool."  
  
Tyler put it into the CD player and pressed a button. "You and I are going to have to loosen up if we want to do this right."   
  
Hype only sighed and rolled her eyes.   
  
An echoing guitar solo poured out of the speakers. A second guitar joined in. A third, and a crashing cymbal. Tyler smiled. Then, "Girl!"   
  
"What?" Hype was confused.  
  
"I wanna take you to a gay bar!"  
  
"The hell are you doing?"  
  
"I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!"  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Tyler?!"  
  
Tyler didn't respond, but only sang. "Let's start a war! Start a nuclear war! At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!"  
  
"Tyler --"  
  
"Be quiet," Tyler shushed her, "this is my favorite part. Weeeeeeeeow!" He threw his head around to the electric guitar solo.   
  
"You're insane, Tyler." She looked out the window.   
  
Tyler's smile only grew wider. "No Electric Six? Fine, I've got a million of 'em!" He skipped to the next track. Another generic electric guitar opener. "You tell me what I wanna hear! I hear it all with my ears! But that won't do me any...something! So I use the something in my throat!"  
  
"You don't really know the words do you?" Hype had to giggle.  
  
"I got cyco vision! I got cyco vision! I said cyco vision! I got cyco vision!" Tyler bumped his head to overly heavy bass. "It doesn't matter what you say!" He pointed to Hype.  
  
"Bullshit," she muttered along.   
  
"It matters what you know!"  
  
"Bullshit...this song sucks."  
  
"Fine! On to the next one!" He skipped ahead. "The kombucha mushroom people, sitting around all day! Who, can believe you, who, can believe you, let your mother pray..."  
  
"Nope."  
  
Tyler wouldn't give up. "Revolution, the only solution! The armed response of an entire nation!"  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"You follow me down the fuckin' street, you make me feel like a piece of meat, you think I don't know what war means, now I'm the terrorist see how it feels...I'm gonna kill you! I'll cut you up, gouge out your eyes..."  
  
"Give up Tyler."  
  
"What? I thought you'd like that one, it's very feminist."  
  
"Shut up." She looked him dead in the eye. "What is your problem anyway? What are you trying to achieve?"  
  
"What happened with Delta wasn't all that bad, Hype," Tyler started quietly. "Sure, he was a damn coward, but in a way he did save your life."  
  
"You think that's all I've been mulling over?" Hype snapped. "You're dense."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I'm not sad because Delta got cowardice, or because he's dead. I'm sad because I am so damn confused. Like, why did the Agents go after him and not me and Fear? Why did they run after Delta and not Niobe's car?"   
  
Tyler only smiled sadly. "Don't worry about it, Hype."  
  
"Why?" she challenged. "Why shouldn't I worry about it?"  
  
"Maybe..." he mused, "maybe it was just God introducing Himself."  
  
"God?" she said quietly.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Why not?" He went back to the stereo. "Your world...not mine! Your world, not ours!"  
  
Hype joined in. "Your world...not mine! Your world, not ours!"  
  
Tyler raised an eyebrow as if to say, "You know this song?" Hype's nod said yes. He sang, "I'll resist with every inch and every breath!"  
  
"I'll resist this psychic death!" Hype laughed out loud for the first time in days. "Ah, you're crazy, Tyler."  
  
Tyler had the stars in his eyes as he replied, "Crazy in love with you, woman."  
  
She didn't slap him, and only said, "I'll resist with every inch and every breath!"  
  
"I'll resist this psychic death!"  
  
----  
  
They got to the Oracle's apartment in a giddy manner, singing Bikini Kill songs at the top of their lungs. One who didn't know any better would think that they were stupid drunk.   
  
Hype knocked on the door, humming something about how she liked fucking but hated danger. The Oracle answered the door and looked at the two carefully. She nodded to Tyler. "What you're expecting will happen soon. But it may not be in the way you expected it."   
  
Tyler looked at the Oracle, surprised, and then smiled to himself as he and Hype walked into the apartment. "Yo, boo."  
  
"I said, I am NOT yo --"  
  
Psycho Ex raised a hand. "Not today, yo. Didn't you hear? I'm with Denzel Washington!"   
  
Tyler's jaw dropped to the ground. "What?!"  
  
The Oracle pulled another batch of cookies from the oven. "It's true. I had to chase him away one night with my broom." She sighed. "If only I had Seraph around..."  
  
He could only shake his head in wonder. "H-how did...? Howzit possible?!"  
  
"Get over it, boo." Psycho Ex examined her six-inch, dangerously sharp nails. "I can get a man other than you."  
  
Tyler was about to respond scathingly, but felt a nudge from the side. He looked to see a grinning Hype, and she quickly winked. He smiled to himself. She slipped her hand into his.   
  
----  
  
Tyler drove them back to Psycho Ex's home in order to retrieve the code. The Merovingian had apparently already been there, but he was unsuccessful in finding it. Psycho Ex really was good at what she did.   
  
He slipped in another CD as Psycho Ex snorted. "Don't tell me you're going to listen to some more of that white boy music?"  
  
"Shut up." He pressed play. "When they kick at your front door, how you gonna come? With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun?"  
  
"When the law break in," Psycho Ex grumbled along, "how you gonna go? Shot down on the pavement or waiting in death row?" She snapped her gum loudly. "I've heard this song too many times, nigga!"  
  
"Shut your mouth." He skipped to the next track anyway. "Jogging with Jesus! Please boy, believe us! I'ma go a-knocking on heaven's door! And I ain't gonna go to school no more!"  
  
Hype grinned. "I know this." She shouted right along with Tyler, "I don't think you like me! But that won't affect me! I'll just call you a damn poser! I'll be punk rock while you run off with her!"   
  
Psycho Ex sighed and sank into her seat. She didn't need to be seen with two crazy black punk rockers.   
  
----  
  
Continuing in my random, jumpy order, Tyler pulled up to Psycho Ex's home. She turned the key in the lock and allowed them in.   
  
"Can I get y'all anything to drink?"   
  
Tyler refused. Hype nodded. "Water, if you don't mind."  
  
"No biggie. Be right back." She went for the kitchen, and Hype immediately yanked Tyler by his coat to the couch.   
  
"A little fast, aren't we?" Tyler couldn't help but comment.   
  
"Shut up." She kissed him on the cheek.   
  
Tyler had to protest. "Well, damn, girl, I sacrificed my manhood and this is how you treat me?"  
  
"I love you, you moron." She kissed him deeply.   
  
A small cough interrupted the two. "Excuse me? I hate to cut in, but..."  
  
Hype sighed. "Yes? What is it?"  
  
"Erm, the Merovingian and four of his henchmen are right outside of my front door, and he's threatening to break it down and kill us all."  
  
"Damn!"  
  
-----------------  
  
Hm. No comment. Sorry folks, this took me forever to write. 


	13. I'm Not Down

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Thirteen: I'm Not Down  
  
------------  
  
"I've been beat up, I've been thrown out, but I'm not down. I'm not down. I've been shown up, but I've grown up, and I'm not down. I'm not down." -The Clash, "I'm Not Down" (very inspiring words there...download this song, buy the album "London Calling", do anything to hear it)  
  
------------  
  
Tyler and Hype loaded their guns and readied themselves. Psycho Ex looked on with a mix of interest and pure fear. "Boo, I cannot believe you actually pack heat like that."  
  
"You stupid or something?" Tyler snapped as he examined his Desert Eagles (which never stopped sucking). "How can I possibly go against the Merovingian without any guns?"  
  
"Are you packing silver?"  
  
"Don't be silly," Hype chided. "We carry nothing else now thanks to that flaming Frenchman."   
  
"Oh." She ran back into the kitchen and emerged with an armful of wood. "Chances are he has some of dem bloodsuckers around."   
  
Tyler pulled out a stake and examined it. "It'll do."  
  
Hype smacked him over the head, and grabbed a stake for herself. "It'll MORE than do. Thanks...erm...you know, I've never caught your name."  
  
Psycho Ex opened her mouth to reply, only to have it covered by Tyler. "Her name isn't relevant. We've got life eaters to mow down."   
  
All three crouched behind the couch and watched the door carefully. "Prepare yourself," Hype whispered.   
  
The door crashed open. Tyler rolled over to the loveseat, and aimed carefully for Tiger's head.   
  
"Hello, Tyler." Said rebel jumped three feet into the air. "We are quite happy to see you."  
  
Tyler rolled over the loveseat and pointed his guns at One. "Bullshit! You're here to kill us and take the code!"  
  
"Perceptive," Two mused, and he pulled out a switchblade.   
  
"Awk," Tyler sqeaked. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshit--"  
  
"Tyler!" Hype shouted as she kicked Tiger in the head. "Don't be so damn stupid!"  
  
"Are you cur-azy, woman?" Tyler shouted right back. "These guys just phase through everything I give them!"   
  
"You are -- oof!" Hype doubled back from a blow delivered by Tiger.   
  
Tyler squealed like a little girl. "We can't get rid of these guys!"  
  
"Zat is quite right, you filthy humans." The Merovingian walked irritatingly calmly into the home and examined the damage. Already the sofas were riddled with bullet holes, and somehow the XBox had been reduced to black and green game goodness rubble. He snapped his fingers and all three programs returned to his side. "Now, vhere is ze code?"  
  
Psycho Ex ran back into her den and saw the damage. "Mah XBox!"  
  
Everyone in the room rolled their eyes. "You're rich now," Tyler said. "You could just buy another."  
  
She glared daggers at Tyler. "Hell nah! We've had so many good times together...you can't just replace a homie like that!"  
  
Tyler and Hype sighed deeply, and the Merovingian turned red. "Vhere is the code, human?!"  
  
"Daaaaayum, Figga," Psycho Ex shrieked, "WHAT is yo motherfucking problem? I just lost mah XBOX thanks to you, you think I'ma gonna just give you the damn code now?"  
  
"Very vell zhen." The Merovingian snapped his fingers, and even more programs swarmed the mansion. "You shall die." He stepped back and allowed the programs to advance.   
  
"Well fine, if you gotta trip like that." Psycho Ex whipped a laptop out of nowhere. "You want the code? Come get it." She threw it directly at Tyler's head.  
  
His first instinct was to fill it with bullets in order to protect his nice sunglasses. The computer fell to the floor in pieces.   
  
"Vhat? You idiot! Retrieve ze hard drive, now!"   
  
The Twins, smirking in their standard creepy way, phased through the floor and made their way to the destroyed laptop.   
  
"Hell nah!" Hype shouted. "You are NOT getting this code!" She shot at the pieces herself, and crushed each one with her foot.   
  
"That's not going to do it," Psycho Ex muttered, and she held out a palm. Tyler and Hype's eyes widened as a "ball" of green code formed in her hand.   
  
"H-how?" Hype stuttered.   
  
"Are you not human?" Tyler choked out.  
  
Psycho Ex snorted loudly. "Hell nah. The Oracle taught me this trick." She lowered the ball to the computer pieces as Hype and Tyler fired wildly at the still-phased Twins. The Twins became solid, irritated with such an annoyance, and whipped out their razors once again.   
  
Hype turned to check on Psycho Ex's status, and smiled widely. She nudged Tyler. He looked also, and a cocky grin formed on his face. They looked at each other and laughed.   
  
"Vhat is so funny?" the Merovingian demanded.   
  
Hype nodded to Psycho Ex's direction. "Look."  
  
The laptop, the hard drive, the code, everything...was gone.   
  
The Merovingian could have fainted. "The code...it's been deleted...how did you--?"  
  
Psycho Ex only grinned, showing her chipmunk teeth. "Ask me no questions, Figga."  
  
Tyler and Hype laughed even harder and took a seat on the nearly destroyed couch. "I guess your job here is done, Merovingian."  
  
The Frenchman only shook his head in wonder. "I zink I might have to zit down..." He pulled up a wooden chair.   
  
Psycho Ex returned to the kitchen, with the intent of bringing out lemonade for everyone. Hype hummed something by the Violent Femmes ("Why can't I get just one fuck? Why can't I get just one fuck?"), Tyler ran his hand through her hair, and the programs waited for the Merovingian to get over his loss.  
  
"Say, Abel," Tyler said, "have you ever listened to Bikini Kill?"   
  
-------------------  
  
ONE MORE CHAPTER! ONE MORE CHAPTER! OHMIGOD! I can't wait, and neither can you. I need to end this story quickly. 


	14. All Bad Things Must Come To An End

Unplugged and Dangerous  
  
a (terrible) fan fic, and a shameless sequel, by Heavens to Bikini Kill  
  
Chapter Fourteen: All Bad Things Come To An End  
  
----------  
  
"You are ignorant, arrogant, incompetent, foolish, self-absorbed, ridiculous, oblivious, defiant, masochistic, sadistic, rude, and an all-around jackass of a fuckhat, and yet...I love you anyway."   
  
----------  
  
And so the next chapter of Tyler came to a close.  
  
The Merovingian got over losing the code, and looked to the bright side: now nobody could threaten him with such power. He went back to the chateau and continued to house Exiles and behave like his general horny French asshole self. Nothing really changed there.   
  
Persephone (who somehow never showed up once in this story) still threatens the Merovingian with castration today.   
  
More specifically, Cujo was finally allowed to leave the Merovingian, and moved to Harlem, where he was welcomed warmly (black people welcome everyone warmly, except for the KKK). He eventually became the choir director of his church, and successfully hid his Exile and werewolf roots.   
  
The Twins stayed with the Merovingian because they shouldn't be allowed anywhere in public unattended.   
  
Cain and Abel also eventually left the Merovingian to teach at a local high school. Cain is a PE teacher, though most girls (and some guys) can't really concentrate on shooting their free throws when he's around, and Abel is the advisor of the school's BSU (Black Student Union). A black teacher was originally supposed to take that slot, but he somehow disappeared before the advisor was named. Abel's BSU has the number one Step Team in the state. (My name is Abel...yeah...you know it's true...yeah...that my Step Team...yeah...simply owns you! Roll call!)  
  
Tiger and Vlad remained their pussy-like persona, frequently getting offended at everything under the sun. They still do bitch-work for the Merovingian today, and most people who spot Tiger identify him as a Japanese girl.   
  
Psycho Ex (what? Is that name not acceptable to you?) repaired her home, and more importantly, her XBox. She is living quite happily with Denzel Washington, who really isn't married, but the System made all humans in the Matrix believe so. He still has no idea of the existence of the Matrix, and she has no intention of telling him.   
  
But what has become of our heroes Hype and Tyler?  
  
----  
  
The crew of the Tenshi had stormed the nearest bar in Zion and took out a rather large table. Nothing was more fun than severely embarrassing the Merovingian and living to tell the tale. It required a celebration.  
  
Sparks happily swallowed his mug of mead and grinned. "Tonight we be bringin' down da HOUSE!"  
  
Everyone else only stared.   
  
"What?"  
  
"Ignore him," Hype snapped, and she went to work on her mug, gripping Tyler's hand from under the table.   
  
Morpheus quietly sipped and looked over his cup to Hype and Tyler. "So..."  
  
Tyler raised an eyebrow. "So what?"  
  
"Feeling confident on completing your first mission with the Tenshi?"  
  
They both grinned. "Very. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because Niobe and I are getting the feeling that Hype just might ask you to join the Tenshi as her first mate."  
  
He turned to Hype. "Is that true?"  
  
She only smiled and turned to the rest of the table. "Hey! What's drinking without a song or two?"  
  
Ghost shouted right back, "Well, why don't start it off, lover-girl?"   
  
Everyone laughed loudly, their drunken state causing everything (even Ghost) to become funny.   
  
"Hey, Tyler," Hype nudged said black man, "How about something by The Clash?"   
  
He frowned. "You didn't answer me Hy --"  
  
"Sing, Tyler, sing!" Sparks roared.   
  
Tyler grumbled, and started, "And they're saying: How you get so rude and a-reckless? You been so crude and a-feckless. You been drinking brew for breakfast, Rudie can't fail."   
  
The table attendants slammed their mugs and stomped in approval. "So we sa-ay --"  
  
"I know my life make you nervous, but I tell you I can't live in service. Like the doctor that was born with a purpose, Rudie can't fail."   
  
Stomp. Stomp. Stompstompslam. Stomp. Stomp. Stompstompslam.   
  
Hype grabbed Tyler around the neck, mug swinging as she sang, "I went to the market, to realize my soul. 'Cause what I need, I just don't have. First, they curse, then they press me till I hurt..."  
  
Everyone chimed in, "Rudie can't fail!"   
  
"I wonder, Tyler, did that ex-girlfriend of yours really make that master delete code?" Hype asked.   
  
Tyler didn't answer, grinning, and shouted, "First you must cure your," he pointed at Hype, "temper. Then you find a job in the," he then pointed at Sparks, "paper. You need someone for a savior..."  
  
"Rudie can't fail!" everyone shouted. "So we reply..."  
  
Sparks took up the next verse, the alcohol clouding his sense of sanity. "Now we get a rude and a-reckless. We been seen lookin' cool and a-speckless. We been drinking brew for breakfast..."  
  
"Rudie can't fail!"   
  
They all clanked mugs with each other as they sang, "I went to the market to realize my soul, 'cause what I need, I just don't have! First, they curse, then they press me till I hurt. Rudie can't fail!"   
  
Stomp. Stomp. Stompstompslam. Stomp. Stomp. Stompstompslam.   
  
Tyler turned to Hype as she chugged down the rest of her brew. "You know, I'm getting kinda bored out here." He leaned in rather closely and smiled. "We could...you know..."  
  
Hype smirked and turned away. "Hey! Another round out here!" More mead was brought out to the table. "What were you saying?"  
  
"Oh, knock it off." He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her bodily out of the room.   
  
"You gonna let him do that to you, Hype?" Niobe called after them.   
  
And as they left for Tyler's room, the walls of Zion echoed with drunken laughter and song.  
  
END.  
  
---------------  
  
Aaaah. That feels so good. But you'll have to excuse me. This is a rather emotional experience...I've grown very attached to my OCs Hype and Tyler. However, I will not be writing another sequel, because eventually, I have to let go.   
  
Thank you everyone who ever reviewed either this or "Of Mutilated Cars and Albino Twins" (especially Kitsune-Chan 8...), and thanks much in advance to those who review in the future. 


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